Have you ever heard that country song that says something about getting stronger everyday. I dont know who sings it and I know it's actually about a relationship and how even though he left her she continues to get stronger every day. Obviously, I dont have that situation to deal with, but I do feel like I get stronger every day.
Every day my determinaton to beat this awful disease is tested.
Every day I wish I could just be "normal". I wish I could live like my friends. They dont travel every month to cancer appts. They dont have to pay for the travel expenses and the medical bills that we do. They dont have to worry about frying so bad out in the sun that they blister-even when using sunscren. They dont have to worry every day about their cancer returning.
They are free to live their lives how they want to live. To an extent, I can, but my cancer has also really limited me in other senses. And that sucks. Every single day I worry that this may be the day my cancer returns. I know, that in theory I cant live my life like that. But, it doesnt matter. I still worry.
I am so scared that I wont get to see my kids grow up. That has to be my number one concern or fear. That my children will grow up without me. Have you MET my children? They are totally mama's babies. No doubt about it. They adore their mama and I adore them right back. I have a special bond with them. We are about as close as a mama can be with her children. And that scares me. If this cancer eventually wins how will THEY handle it? I know they will have to deal with it, but I dont want them to HAVE to deal with it. I want this cancer to just go away. I want it to leave me and my family alone.
For now, it is and for that I am grateful. I truly believe God knows how much I need my children and how much they need ME. He knows that this medicine needs to continue to work.
April 20th is my 1 year anniversary of being on this medicine. I have been on it for one year with NO RECURRANCE!!! That, my bloggy friends, is truly a miracle. God knows. He just does. Keep praying. It's working.
2 weeks ago