Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Happy Yet Sad

Lately it seems like all my friends are pregnant. Every where I look someone else is announcing that they are expecting. Don't get me wrong, obviously I am truly happy for all of them. Every last one of them. I think they are all amazing women and will make amazing mothers (again:) However, part of me hurts. Hurts for the 3rd child that I will never, ever have. I'm not even sure I would want a 3rd child. Its just the pure fact that I CAN'T that really bothers me!

However, when I was pregnant with E, my husband and I both decided that if it was a boy we would try one more time, if it was a girl, we were done. God obviously knew what He was doing when He gave me a girl. He knew that my heart and life would not be complete without a little Princess in my life. And believe me, E is a true little Princess! Oh my goodness is she! That little lady is ALL girl and ALL Princess! And apparently He knew that is what I would need.

I can't say that I'm not sad about never getting to experience the thrill of being pregnant or the bond of a nursing newborn. Luckily, I have many wonderful friends who are expecting and are more than happy to share their experience with me.

So, a big shout out to all my pregnant friends. And please remember me when that baby needs some loving (but do NOT remember be in the middle of the night please, oh heck, I'm probably up anyway, feel free to call:)

Friday, April 15, 2011


Last month we had K's preschool Parent/Teacher conference. I was worried about his behavior issues, however that wasnt even an issue! His teacher (whom I felt really should of focused more on the positive, but that's just the teacher in me speaking...) really seemed to focus more on his academic issues and things that he needs to know for Kindergarten.
I'll be honest, I really was under the impression that preschool was teaching him these things. And of course we read every night, but it's more for enjoyment, not learning. So, my thinking has changed. Since the conference I have really started researching homeschooling and finding all sorts of fun activities to do at home.

At first, K was NOT thrilled with this! At all! And it was a major battle every day. However, I have sort of got it figured out a little more and so has he and he LOVES it! And guess what! His behavior has totally changed for the better too! Yay!! I am thrilled! Who would of thought?!

So, here is our schedule....every day (mainly during the week, but sometimes on the weekends we will all sit down as a family and play Alphabet Bingo or a number game, etc) E has her rest time from around 1-3, so from 1-2PM K and I will work on number and letter activities. I am currently working on the same letter that they are working on at Prek and then we do something with numbers also. I have found all sorts of homeschooling lessons to use at home. The one that really set the tone for making it fun for him was this Batman Lesson! Jackpot! We dont use the letter lessons anymore, but we can still use the number matching portion of it over and over. The numbers only go to 10, so I need to figure out a way to make it to 20. I'll work on that::) I know some of you have asked what websites I really like, so I will post the links below. Hopefully they will help you out also!

My husband and I have made the decision that next year, Ella will not attend prechool. I really feel like the 3 year old year of preschool is more for socialization. K needed that. Without a doubt. However, if you have ever met E, then you know what a social butterfly she is:) So, instead of sending E to prek next year, while K is at Kindergarten E and I will be able to do some preschool homeschooling activities. I am super excited for it! She is DYING to do the learning time with K, but I really think it needs to be more about him. I think that is what has made it so successful. It is just his time with mommy. E will get that next year. A LOT!!

So, here are some of the websites/blogs that I love....
Confessions of a Homeschooler
Making Learning Fun

**For the record, I have no intention of homeschooling K next year. He will attend public school. This is simply to prepare him for Kindergarten.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Today I had an appt with my Oncologist and Dermatologist in Nashville. My appts both went very well. I have actually missed seeing my oncologist. I havent seen him in like 4 months! So, it was nice to finally touch base with him. He also agreed that me coming to Nashville every month and only seeing him every other month was just plain silly. So, with any luck and many prayers, those folks in charge of the trial will actually listen to my Oncologist and agree to me only coming every other month and just getting everything done at once. As my Dr pointed out, I really am the star of this trial, at some point they should cater just a bit to what is convenient and affordable for me! I'll keep you updated!

I also had my 3 month appt with my Dermatolgoist. Unforunately my derm is not in the office on Wednesdays so I met with another derm, whom I really liked I might add:) Everything looked great. I do have an odd rash on my upper arms and back. He said that it was a form of ezcema and nothing to really worry about.

He also noted a small bump in my right lymph node and some fluid uptake in my left lymph node. Neither are anything to worry about at this time.

I was able to discuss some other options for being safe in the sun and apparently I am doing everything that I can do! Other than wearing a huge "Kentucky Derby Sized Hat" which I will be purchasing when I return home, by the way!

This medicine makes me extremely sun senstive. The other day my friend and I were outside, in the shade, watching the kid play, with sunscreen on, and I FRIED!!! My nose and arm burnt so badly that I blistered. *sigh* It sucks. So I am just going to have to be diligent about reapplying sunscreen. Awwww, hello summer! But, I am a mom of two very active children, so NOT playing outside is not an option! So, I will just have to start buying stock in sunscreen:)

My derm did mention that there is not a difference between sunblock and sunscreen. For me he recommended 100 SPF, however for an "average" person he said that 50 SPF applied every 2 hours is adequate. His recommendation for sunscreen was Neutrogena, he did not have a preferance for the spray or rub on, but he did recommend the rub on for me, at least for the initial application.

So, with summer coming, please PLEASE make sure your skin is protected and that your childrens skin is protected! Even one bad sunburn increases your chance for Melanoma by 50%!! Yikes! Be careful out there!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm A Little Bit Stronger...

Have you ever heard that country song that says something about getting stronger everyday. I dont know who sings it and I know it's actually about a relationship and how even though he left her she continues to get stronger every day. Obviously, I dont have that situation to deal with, but I do feel like I get stronger every day.

Every day my determinaton to beat this awful disease is tested.

Every day I wish I could just be "normal". I wish I could live like my friends. They dont travel every month to cancer appts. They dont have to pay for the travel expenses and the medical bills that we do. They dont have to worry about frying so bad out in the sun that they blister-even when using sunscren. They dont have to worry every day about their cancer returning.

They are free to live their lives how they want to live. To an extent, I can, but my cancer has also really limited me in other senses. And that sucks. Every single day I worry that this may be the day my cancer returns. I know, that in theory I cant live my life like that. But, it doesnt matter. I still worry.

I am so scared that I wont get to see my kids grow up. That has to be my number one concern or fear. That my children will grow up without me. Have you MET my children? They are totally mama's babies. No doubt about it. They adore their mama and I adore them right back. I have a special bond with them. We are about as close as a mama can be with her children. And that scares me. If this cancer eventually wins how will THEY handle it? I know they will have to deal with it, but I dont want them to HAVE to deal with it. I want this cancer to just go away. I want it to leave me and my family alone.

For now, it is and for that I am grateful. I truly believe God knows how much I need my children and how much they need ME. He knows that this medicine needs to continue to work.

April 20th is my 1 year anniversary of being on this medicine. I have been on it for one year with NO RECURRANCE!!!  That, my bloggy friends, is truly a miracle. God knows. He just does. Keep praying. It's working.