Tonight I watched Stand Up To Cancer. Did you? I'll be honest, I couldn't watch it all. After the first 5 minutes I was bawling. I mean really bawling. I don't know why. It just hit me really hard. I realized that this chemo won't work forever. Soon I will be back where I was a year ago and will have to start all over.
As I was watching the show I would see people say things like I am here for my mother. That was hard to handle also. Some day my kids may be saying that. Some day my children may have to tell people about me. Instead of getting to meet their friends in person, my kids will have to show them my picture and talk about me. I hope they talk about how much of a fighter I am. How I fought my ass off up until the end. How I did it all for them.
My kids know I love them. My kids know I have cancer. My kids know that at times mama is sicky because of the cancer. My kids know that we hate cancer (or that it sucks monkey balls!). But, my kids don't know that some day this cancer may take their mama away from them. How do you even tell a 2 year old and a 4 year old about that? Well, if you're me, you don't. You just keep fighting with every ounce of your being.
Right now I am one of the lucky ones. Every now and then I will hear some show or read some news story that is talking about Stage IV Melanoma. Every.Single.Time they say that a Stage IV diagnosis means a survival time of 6-12 months. Really? That's it? Well that doesn't seem very fair now does it. I was diagnosed with Stage III or Stage IV (totally depends on the Dr you talk to!) on July 8, 2008. Now, over 2 years later I am winning my battle. I am in remission, with the assistance of chemo of course, but right now I am actually in remission. How fabulous is that? Not many people with Advanced Metastatic Melanoma get the honor or priviledge of saying that. But, I can!
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