Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I'll update more later, but just wanted to let everyone (who is not on Facebook!) know that the spot they took off last week came back....CLEAN! It was not cancer, just a regular ole' mole! Yippee! I needed some good news! And finally it has come. We will head back to Houston the first week of December to have the one remaining tumor removed and then maybe, just maybe, I will get a break from cancer for a little while! Thank you so, so much for all of prayers. Obviously, they worked! Keep praying!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Topsy Turvy

In light of recent Dr appts I am more determined than ever to give my babies lasting memories. Something that I have dying to do with them is take them to DisneyWorld. We were going to do this in October, but we decided that, financially, Branson would be the better option. Now, I sort of regret that. Not because we didn't have fun, we had a blast, we went as a family, so of course we had fun:) But now I also want to take them to Disneyworld! Ugh! Sometimes I am so indecisive!

So, because my new found mission is to take my kiddos to Disneyworld I have been busy researching the tons and tons of options available out there. And, I must admit, my brain is in overload!

There is so much out there. I don't even know where to start! We still haven't decided on dates.

So much is up in the air right now. I know in December I will have at least two surgeries. One to remove the remaining tumor and one to get my tubes tied. We debated going the last week in December, but holy smokes is that expensive! I was thinking it would be cheaper because Ella would still be free on the flight. Not so!

Then we will head back to Houston in January for more scans.

In March, C and I are taking a cruise to the Bahamas, plus we will return to Houston for more scans.

And in May we will return to Houston for more scans.

The way it looks, February or April will be the best times to go.

However, there is always that "What If." What if more cancer shows up on the scans in January? I will probably be starting chemo soon after that. What if it shows up in March? I will probably be starting chemo soon after that. Most people don't have to worry about these types of things when they plan a family vacation. Unfortunately, this is now a fact of life for us. This is our new lifestyle. And let me tell you, this new lifestyle is totally for the birds!

Unfortunately, I think the planning will have to be "last minute." And if you know me, this totally freaks me out. I am the person that already has Christmas shopping done and the presents "wrapped." (I actually made cloth bags for all of the presents!) I just like to plan in advance, however because of stupid cancer I can't really do that anymore. Just one more way that cancer is totally f*cking with me! Thanks cancer:(

Quite honestly, I am not a big travel person. I enjoy just hanging out at home. I am a bit of a homebody and I like it like that! However, there are so many things that I want to do. So many memories that I want to build. Not just for my children, but for my husband also.

So, if you don't hear from me for awhile it's because I am busy researching the perfect Disney trip for my wonderful family! Any helpful tips (great hotels, where to go, what to do, etc) would be appreciated!

Friday, November 13, 2009


Well, the news isn't the best. The spot that showed up on the PET scan, but was inactive, last month has grown from 4 mm to 6 mm. Not a lot to us, but enough in the cancer world.

While the Dr was trying to find that mass, he noticed another spot on the skin that he was very concerned about. That spot was removed in the office and has been sent off for a biopsy.

After that I was sent over to Ultrasound to see if they could find the tumor this time since it was bigger. The ultrasound tech found it immediately.

Apparently they had been in the back studying my PET scan. Obviously that was a plus. She had no problems what so ever in finding it.

Since I was there I also had them check the lymph nodes. The spot that they removed would have spread to the lymph nodes in my groin. If it has spread then it would show up on the Ultrasound. Nothing showed up, so I am fairly certain, that if it is melanoma, it has not spread.

However, on the positive side, when that spot was removed it was not black underneath. When Melanoma is removed it is black underneath. This was not. It was flesh colored underneath. I feel this is a good thing.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this. However, I am not sure how much more I can endure. I am just about "surguried" out. I am tired of being cut into to. I am tired of being poked. I am tired of being prodded. I am just so over this cancer shit. It's just stupid and it totally blows.

Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm not quitting. I will never quit. But, I do think I have the right to be pissed. I do think I have the right to be tired. And I do think I have the right to be bitchy. So, bear with me for a while. I will get through this. But, this won't be an easy ride. So, if you don't mind, bear with me, give me your love, and send me your prayers.


This week has been rough. Daddy is in St Louis for work, my parents are in St. Thomas for fun, and my in laws are in New Orleans for a wedding.

Under normal circumstances taking care of the kids for a week by myself is rough. Add chemo to that and I am wiped! Luckily, the kids have been pretty good and Kyler has been a good helper for mommy. I'm just so tired!

We are also dog sitting my in laws huge black lab. He's actually a pretty good dog. However, his internal alarm clock goes off at 5:30 AM! Mine does not!

My mother in law thinks I am a bit depressed. Interferon can cause depression. But honestly, I don't think it's depression. I think it's exhaustion!

Another side effect of Interferon is hair loss and weight loss. These are rare, however I have them both. My hair is falling out in handfuls. I am also losing weight like crazy. Not that I am complaining all that much about that, but I have no clothes that fit! And guess where the weight is leaving first-it's not my ass like I need it to-it's my boobs! That sucks!

I have currently gone down 3 sizes in pants. Which in turn means that I have to buy new pants or my ass hangs out. Oh wait, my ass hangs out of these darn low rise pants any way!

Ella is getting her 1 year molars. She is a little crabby. Good times.

Ella's cloth diapers are pissing me off. We have a High Efficiency washer and apparently that is not the best thing to use with cloth diapers. At first they had a stinky smell, after many, many washes I got the stink out. Now they are giving her a rash so apparently something that I used to get the stink out did not agree with Ella's little tushy. I really do like cloth diapering and I don't want to give it up, I just need to figure out what in the world is giving her a rash. All 30 of her diapers are currently in the wash on the sanitary cycle. Let's hope that does the trick!

Kyler had his 3 year well child appt yesterday and the Dr is concerned about his growth. He weighed 29 lbs which is in the 20 %ile and his height is 37 inches which is the 38%ile. I don't think they measured his height very accurately though. I measured him at home and he was 38 inches. I'm not going to stress about it to much. He eats. A little!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Here We Go Again

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I leave for MD Anderson yet again. I have mixed feelings, I don't want to leave the kids. But, then again, I never want to leave them!

I am anxious to see the results of the scans that I will be having on Thursday. I am anxious to see if the one little bitty spot of cancer that remained is still showing up as inactive. Please pray for good test results.

After everything I have been through, I have really been trying to remember what is important in my life and what I am grateful for. I am grateful for things that most people take for granted.

One night, while watching Yo Gabba Gabba and drinking a glass of wine (because, let's face it, when you watch that show you have to drink!) I came to a realization, if it weren't for cancer, I would have the perfect life. I have a great husband, awesome kids, and wonderful family and friends. My life would be ideal. Sure, we struggle with things, but they are all minor in comparision to the big picture. I know that most of you reading are not dealing with cancer, but try to remember how much worse it could be. I think of that every single day. I am in the fight for my life, but guess what, I am winning! And that, my friends, is a wonderful feeling!