Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Why, Why I Ask?

Could someone explain to me why in the world God chose me to be the bloggy spokesperson for Melanoma?

Also, would someone mind talking to him about the whole killing cancer process?

Because let me tell ya, this blows big time. It blows so much that I am seriously considering never, ever going outside in the sun again. And tanning beds? Yeah, that will happen, oh, NEVER!

The treatment makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach, gives me a headache, makes me tired yet at the same time I can't sleep for anything. It pretty much just sucks.

I know that I am doing this so that I can be around a very long time. I get that. Even though I hate every single second of this, I know there is a means to an end. I get it, I really do. However, that does not help the simple little fact that this freakin' sucks!

What makes me really angry is that even though I am doing this so that I can play with my kids in the future, it is definitely preventing me from playing with them right now. That's been hard on all of us.

After my treatments I can't do anything but lay in bed. I am just to sick. I'm not strong enough to hold Ella and I certainly can't hold Kyler.

I've tried laying on the couch so that I could at least be around them, but then of course they only want mama and since I can't really function, laying on the couch doesn't really work.

I really want to be able to do stuff at home, but I just can't. I hate having to rely on other people. But I just don't have a choice. I hate it when I don't have a choice. I need a choice. In this case I choose to make this cancer go far, far away so that I can spend some much needed time with my precious angels.

I do feel quite blessed to have such precious angels to come home to after my treatments. In that sense I feel very lucky. I am also lucky that my precious angels are young enough that they will not remember how sick mommy has been and that she really has been neglecting them.

I hope that someday, Kyler and Ella will look back at this blog and think, huh I don't remember my mommy ever neglecting me. I don't want them to remember these bad times. Only the good. It's bad enough that I will NEVER forget these bad times. I couldn't handle it if I knew that it would be stuck in their minds forever also.

*BTW, I have been updating the Cancer Journey link on the sidebar daily. They are just short and sweet little notes about how the treatment went that day. Feel free to check it out.

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