Thursday, August 21, 2008

To Nurse or Not?

Most of you know that I have thoroughly enjoyed breastfeeding.

Enjoyed is probably to light of a word.

I loved it.

Ella loved it.

All was going great. And then we hit a road block. A road block called cancer.

Stupid cancer.

Last Monday was my last day to nurse Ella. She, of course, had no idea that it would be our last time.

No clue.

I told her, I tried to prepare her, but alas, she didn't listen.

Instead, she continues to scream when I try to give her a bottle.

She tries to bite my boob through my shirt, and trying to get her to nap has been pure torture.

I hate that I can't nurse. I hate that I can't calm her down. I hate that I can't get her to sleep. I hate that I am still producing milk by the buckets.

I knew that I was making a lot of milk, but seriously, this is crazy. I am still needing to pump once a day or else I am in some major pain. I hate that too.

When Ella was around a month old I started pumping and storing. I have a TON of milk stored up. Which ended up being a blessing in disguise. Even though I am not nursing her myself she is still getting breast milk. But let's face it, I wasn't breastfeeding her solely for the benefits of the breast milk. I was nursing her because it was something that Ella and I could do together and nobody could take it away from me.

And then someone did. Cancer stole it from me. Stupid cancer. It should not have the right to do that. It really shouldn't. It took away something that was precious, a bond that I loved.

I know it could be worse. It could have taken away me. Now that would be bad. I suppose I should be happy that all cancer has taken from me right now is breastfeeding. Even though I wish it would not have stolen that from me, it could have been so much worse. Hopefully, Ella will decide that taking a bottle from mommy is an ok thing to do. For now I'll just keep trying.

I was able to nurse her for 7 months. That is 3 months longer then I nursed Kyler. 7 months isn't too bad. It's not 5 years, but it's something right?

Now I'm curious about all of you.

Did you nurse? If so, how long?

If you chose not to nurse would you mind sharing why you made that choice?

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