Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bye Bye Pump

Today I packed away my pump.

I know a lot of mommies don't enjoy pumping. For some odd reason, I didn't mind it.

I loved the fact that my body was able to make all that milk. I was constantly in awe of what I could do. Of what I could produce. I wasn't ever able to make much milk with Kyler so I was thrilled that I could make so much with Ella.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to grab Ella and nurse her. The thought of never again being able to breastfeed hurts my heart. It hurts so bad.

We've already used all of February and March milk and are currently on April. I realize that the reason I was pumping was so that we could use the milk, however, the fact that we are almost through April's milk is killing me. I hate using it. I hate that my supply is almost half gone. I just want to scream at Cody when I see him thawing it out! Stop, don't use it all!

However, I also don't want formula going into my baby girl either. I know, I'm hard to please!

After lots of research, I discovered that Interferon is not safe to breastfeed on. Even if Interferon was ok, I am on so many other drugs that I run the risk of hurting Ella. That is not something I am willing to risk.

When I was pregnant or breastfeeding I was always one of those "anti-drug" mamas. I never took medicine unless I absolutely had to. Tylenol was about as crazy as I got. Now I have so many medications pumped into my body I probably couldn't name them all. I don't like that. Especially since all these medications are making me feel WORSE!!! I realize that I have to take them to make me better in the long run. But seriously, do they have to make me feel like shit? Uggg, I am so sick of these headaches and the nausea. I can't function. I can't even glance around the room without wanting to puke. Not a fun feeling, not a fun feeling at all!

Please pray that these next 9 days of treatment fly by. I am SO ready to be done with this! I just want to feel normal again!

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