Thursday, July 10, 2008

U Guys R The Best

Update: I just talked to the nurse and the results are not in yet. She said I should hear something on Monday or Tuesday. Ugggg!

Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. It seriously means the world to me.

When I first started making bloggy friends, my husband thought I was insane. I would talk about you guys to him like you were my real life friends. I would say, guess what Beans did today, or guess what Sophia now has, or guess what Kristen asked on her Friday Forum, etc. After reading all the comments on my last post, my husband now realizes that you guys are real and you guys do care. I told him that I cried after reading all of the wonderful comments, he looks at me and said, yeah, I did too!

So again, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your love and support.

I am also very lucky to have such a wonderful family and real life friends. My parents, my in laws, and my best friends have all said that they will be there to help and do whatever we need. What would I do without such support?

We are still waiting to hear back from the Dr. The waiting and the uncertainty is killing me.

Something that is really bothering me about all of this, is the fact that if I have to go through Chemo I will have to quit breastfeeding. Isn't it silly that that is what is bothering me the most!

When Kyler was born I was determined to give breastfeeding a shot. I really didn't care if it worked out though. I breastfed him for 4 months, however I ALWAYS had to supplement and I really had to watch my diet. We found out that he was allergic to all milk products and he had to go on a special (and VERY expensive) formula. He was on it until he was 2!! Breastfeeding with him was very difficult for me. I was a vegetarian and ate a lot of dairy products (still do!). I had to cut out dairy for him, since I had already cut out meat, I was pretty much down to eating nothing that I enjoyed. That sucked!

At around 4 months Kyler decided that he was done breastfeeding and would only take a bottle. I cried, but was okay with it. I was back to teaching and didn't have the time to pump so formula would definitely be easier.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ella, I thought about formula feeding for, oh maybe a minute. Since Kyler's was so darn expensive I knew that with me staying home I really needed to give breastfeeding a shot.

I bought the fancy pump.

I attended breastfeeding class.

I asked lots of questions.

I researched and researched on the internet.

I was determined.

I was going to do this and I was going to like it, damn it!

When the nurse give me Ella to feed, she latched on right away. I knew she was born to do this. That night she nursed pretty much ALL NIGHT LONG! The nurse taught me how to do the laying down position and Ella was latched on that way pretty much all night.

Apparently, you're not supposed to do that!

Apparently, she was using mommy as a pacifier. Huh, who knew! I was just so excited that she was a natural I didn't care. Until the next morning that is! Damn, I hurt! And boy was I cursing this whole breastfeeding thing!

Every time she latched on I had tears in my eyes. It lasted for 2 weeks and 1 day. Every hour she would eat, and every hour I would cry. Until that magical day 2 weeks and 1 day later. She latched on and I didn't cry. Wow, it doesn't hurt anymore! Yay!! This is going to work.

It hasn't always been easy. At times I get dirty looks for nursing her in public. Don't worry, I just flip those people off.

At times it would be easier to just give her a bottle of formula. Especially during those sleepless nights.

At times I feel like a milk cow. But I'm ok with it. Because I know that I am doing what is right for my baby girl. I am in awe of what my body can do. I am in awe of how much milk it can produce.

My husband is sick of looking at the breast milk bags in the deep freeze. But I knew that I needed to pump, pump, pump and have lots of milk stored. I don't know why, but something was telling me that I needed to have plenty stored up.

Now I know why. If I have to go through Chemo this breastfeeding thing will be no more. I know it's silly, but in my warped little mind I want to put off the Chemo so I can keep breastfeeding. Isn't that silly. My husband says I am going crazy in my old age!

I think I just always thought that I would breastfeed until Ella decided she was done. Or she was 5, whichever came first:) (Just Kidding, kind of)

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